Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Finding My Way In Fashion

A few years ago I realized I had terrible fashion sense.  Terrible.  In fact, I sent an urgent email out to my peers at the office describing my plight and asking for some style advice.  They all thought was hilarious, but I was serious.  I tried to dig it up out of the email archives so you'd be able to read the transcript, but alas, it's lost in the abyss.  Here's a paraphrase:

I need your help.  I just got a call from the 1990s and they want their pants back.  Every pair.  Right out of my closet.  Furthermore, every time I try to dress trendy or edgy, it ends in an uncomfortable frumpy disaster.  To ensure this daily fashion travesty goes on no longer, I need some tips and some serious weeding out of my wardrobe.  Please come to my rescue!  I beg of you!
I got a lot of polite responses that basically said, "Oh really?  I've never noticed you looking frumpy or 90s."  Puh-lease.  We all know that was not true.  You ladies were just too damn nice to tell me like it is.  I know what frumpy looks like.  I can't tell you how many times someone has said, "Hey Monica- this thing reminds me of you!" or "I saw this and immediately had to get it for you - it's just so you!" only to have it be depressingly out of date and/or dumpy.  I felt like Lola in Kinky Boots when Charlie presents her with a pair of  low-heeled burgundy boots.  She says:
Burgundy. Please, God, tell me I have not inspired something burgundy. Red. Red. *Red*. *Red*, Charlie boy. *Red*! Is the color of sex! Burgundy is the color of hot water bottles! Red is the color of sex and fear and danger and signs that say, Do. Not. Enter. All my favorite things in life. 

That's pretty much my inner reaction too.  It's happened more than once, so I can only imagine that there was something about my style that was sending this message.  In the last two years I have taken some serious measures to refine my wardrobe to an acceptable collection.  It started with an $800 trip to Banana Republic where I bought some classic items of decent quality (including the trousers I'm wearing today).  I also "came to Jesus" about my inability to pull off anything trendy (no, Monica, it just won't work), and came up with my fashion mantra: If I time traveled to 1962 today, could I fit in?  The answer must always be yes.  I have also realized that if I wear a heel, which I do pretty much every day, it must be a stiletto - 3.5" or higher.  This may sound crazy to some, but if I get the right shoe, a 4" stiletto can actually be more comfortable to wear all day than a pair of flats.  Maybe that's just me.

My favorite shoe of all time is the Nine West Rocha Pump.  This shoe is amazing.  It's classic, sexy, and comfortable.  Seriously!  The slight platform gives the shoe support, and the inside is slightly padded, so it feels as though it's cradling my foot.
I currently have it in a dark brown snakeskin look, but I'd buy it in every color if I could afford it.  It is hands down the best shoe I've ever owned.  No contest.  If I could write a feel-good musical about this shoe, I would.  I'd take it straight to Broadway.

Speaking of shoes, I have a new obsession:  ShoeDazzle.  It's Kim Kardashian's online shoe club.  I want in.  So do you.  I can see it in that hungry look you have in your eyes.


Guess what. 

They've thought of everything.  You can give it as gifts to the ladies you love.  I've just done your birthday/Christmas shopping for you. I know of several inner circle girls who might get a visit from Monica the shoe fairy on her birthday this year.  Just sayin'.

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